[Tribas4u]

Hi all, I'm still dealing with all the financial loss we are going through and trying to prepare to move and find work.

With all this going on I seem to be more concerned with losing a very good friend. I keep turning over and over in my head what this person might be thinking, are they pulling away, am I just imagining it, etc.

I guess my thing is, why do I put so much of my own happiness in this person's lap? How or why can I focus on just being happy with myself, and enjoying my friends, instead of them being my source of happiness? I used to be really bad about this, but through practice and other things this hasn't been a problem in quite awhile. But lately its been bad with this one person.

I also have a tendency to think negative thoughts. LIke if friend tells me they are busy...I instantly take it personal, as if they just don't want to spend time with me. Or if a friend of mine tells me they are on the phone with someone else, or have to meet with another friend, I automatically start thinking they are talking about me, that they are chosing this other person over me, or whatever other negative thing.

Why do I do this and how do I stop it? Lately meditation has been harder and harder to do. And when I do it, it seem to only provide temporary relief from these thoughts.

[Filmania]

Hello Roadrunner dear,

We all go through hard and very hard moments in our life. But what is important is that I feel you are rising the right questions and when this happens the answere is right there...

I guess my thing is, why do I put so much of my own happiness in this person's lap?

I feel you are awakening to the issue about Happiness. The source of happiness is in the way your mind understand things. Happiness, Joy, Bliss, Sukkha can not depend on "outside" conditions but in a stillness state of your mind.

On the other hand we have to understand that things, friends, fellows, affairs are of impermanent nature... they come and go depending on conditions and causes of those conditions... People and their affairs one day are and the other are not with us. Also friendship is under impermanence law. Some friends are gone and some new will come...

Also most of the time loosing something, a friend for example, threatens our ego... because of attachments, because he or she make me feel well, because, because, because...

I also have a tendency to think negative thoughts.

Negative (and positive) thoughts are also impermanent... meditation helps to understand this nature of mind. Let the negative thoughts flow away... they, by nature, tend to flow and disappear if we do not get attached to them.

Why do I do this and how do I stop it?

Rise the quality of your meditation... keep doing meditation... meditation should be focused in breathing... and just watch your thoughts... they are impermanent... do not attach to them...

I practice zazen... zazen is the backbone of Soto Zen practice... for us is very important to do zazen... it changes the quality of your mind and then of your whole life... Read the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Noble Path thoroughly and with deep commitment...

Here is some advice about zazen...

http://mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php

[SmuffNuSMaxqh]

When our mind is still, we are happy because we are at peace. Our thoughts are not straying to the past or the future. When our mind is not still, when our thoughts stray to the future or the past, we remind ourselves that these thoughts are not our self, that they have in effect nothing to do with us, being nothing more than passing phenomena.

When we are fully mindful of sense contacts and their effects, we can sever the causal chain linking sense contacts to the arising of dukkha. When we fail to remain fully mindful, and are unable to sever the causal chain linking sense contacts to the arising of dukkha, we remind ourselves that none of the links of the causal chain, none of the sense contacts and their effects, are our self; they are all just passing phenomena.

If we do put our happiness in someone else's lap, this putting is not done by our self. It is a process of nature. We do not encourage it, we do not try to prevent it. We simply observe it without adding to it. If we cannot refrain from adding to it, then we do not add to what we have added. We leave the process alone to arise and fall away on its own terms, as much as we can. It will pass, as all phenomena do.

Whatever is happening in our mind, we allow it to arise and pass away as free from adding, subtracting, pushing and pulling, as we can manage, by allowing the process to proceed on its own terms, because it is has nothing to do with our self. We do not ascribe to it any more importance than it deserves.

How do we stop it? We don't. To try to stop it is to act in a fashion not in accordance with the Dhamma. We allow it to proceed on its own terms, but we do not encourage it or strengthen it by adding another layer to it, the layer of worry and thinking. If we cannot refrain from encouraging it, we refrain from encouraging the encouraging. We leave the core phenomenon alone to arise and pass away, as free from interference as possible.

If it is hard to meditate, then that is the nature of our meditation at this time. Judging our meditation is not in accordance with the Dhamma. We must simply sit.

Thinking we have made progress, then thinking that we have regressed to a former undesirable state, is not something to be considered or judged. Whatever we think is not to be judged or taken seriously, even thoughts about how much progress we have made; these are simply thoughts, and they are not our self.

[kjanyeaz1]

Thank you both for great insights. Both are very helpful.

[Qualarrizab]

I wanted to say something about happiness and Nature as metaphor.

I am a person, who has few goals other than to not suffer from anxiety and depression. For the most part, meditation has "worked" and worked pretty well.

My spiritual teacher told me to find one thing during each day, that was exceptional, joyous, or inspirational. A lot of times, I just go out into our woods, and look for something and so far, I find something there.

But as I visit the same places day after day, I notice that each day, the woods have changed. The place I stay mostly is by something I call watershoot log, and horse log, though of course, since it takes some time to get to Big Burl and watershoot log, I observe many aspects of the woods. And really things change from day to day. Today was the first day that I have noticed a red maple leaf just two leaves so far - It is coming from one of the giants. Not long from now, there will be more leaves carpetting the ground, and after fall, is winter.

I think that the woods is a metaphor for impermanace. We most likely change in minute ways every day, but do not notice it unless we take photos of ourselves and then notice something after a week. But we are changing, just like the woods, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

My thinking is that many retreats are held in nature, and I think nature inspires us, but also we can view Interbeing, and Impermance in nature. You can most likely do it in the city, as well, but I think the silence of nature, really makese meditative thought more easy. After all, Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree, right?

Best,
True