[poonnassunlix]

I am not the best to give personal advice on this kind of thing, but I will try to give a little advice and perspective as it relates to Buddhism...

I'm not sure how seriously interested in Buddhism you have become, but when I took part in my refuge ceremony, the teacher gave a little talk before and during the actual ceremony. One thing that was touched upon was that when one takes refuge in the 3 jewels (the Buddha, his teachings and the assembly of monks and laypeople who help support our practice) this should give us a real sense of optimism that can counter these feelings. The confidence that can come as a result is great, similar to that of really connecting with a teacher.

I know that this is quite broad, but when we truly begin to "mingle our minds with the dharma" as it was put, then this can help very much. This was my personal experience when I first began practicing and studying Buddhism as well for what it's worth. Some people may wonder "how does this relate to daily life and real situations?", but as we understand more about Buddhism in terms of samsara and suffering and alternatively the ways in which we can become liberated from them, this sense of refuge becomes more and more real and natural.

Also, you are actually very fortunate to have an interest in Buddhism. Having said that, this situation provides you with many methods to overcome these kinds of feelings- not by usual means of temporarily feeling better by distracting our minds with the many forms of entertainment and other ways, but by understanding our minds a little better and understanding why we all feel some form of dissatisfaction.

Actually, from my experience, it is a similar sense of dissatisfaction and restlessness that led me to discover Buddhism. So in this way it just may be part of the conditions surrounding our own karma.

In terms of meditation practice, I think no matter what kind of method one is practicing I think it is important to keep in mind that from a Buddhist perspective we are not practicing meditation for a short term purpose. Yes, meditation has all sorts of short term benefit's, but it is more geared towards the long haul. Some people like to pracitice when they are feeling down, as they feel it makes them feel a little better, calmer or whatever. Others will only practice when things are pleasant. I think it is best to try to make the conscious decision to practice no matter what the outer circumstances. I think this will help the actual meditation practice as well by fostering some equanimity (or equal mindedness) towards pleasant situations and not so pleasant ones. This can help our actual practice. Our minds are so used to placing our experience into 3 main categories: pleasant, unpleasant, and indifferent. We tend to categorize our thoughts in a similar way during meditation. So it is good practice to treat all thoughts with this sense of equanimity instead of trying to get rid of certain thoughts and encourage other ones. By practicing in this way, it can help us in our everyday lives to not get so caught up in our experiences.

Hope this helps a little, In the meantime, don't give up!

Terma