[Binuilienzync]

Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS HELPLINE. Your call is important to us so please use the following menu system to shorten your wait:

If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1.
If you are a tuba/sousaphoone player in a 'classic' jazz band enquiring which beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3.
If you are a drummer wishing to know on which beats to press your hi-hat pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly spaced if you can manage it.
If you are a banjo player enquiring about how many strings to buy for a complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4.
If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck, press 5 then 4.
If you are an agent wishing to know how much commission to charge, press 15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy.
If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz muso's '15 minute interval' enter any number in excess of 45.
If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm'n'blues and can't decide which Route to take, press 66.
If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL.
If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig arrangements, press HASH.
If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for 20 minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first.
If you want to know how much you THINK the bandleader is paying the other sidemen, press SECRET (if you have that facility, if not enter the amount of $ you got for the last gig and add 10.)
If you are a trumpet player trying to discover what it is in the audience that distracts you in between solos, press MAMMARY. Sorry, press MEMORY.
If you are a trombonist and want to know how many beers you can drink and still pass the breath test, deduct 1 from the number of beers you've already drunk and press that number.
If you are a vocalist in a band that always start your numbers too fast or too slow, press any number between 0 and infinity.
If, however, you are generally satisfied with the tempos set by the bandleader, press any number OUTSIDE the range mentioned above.

[sciectotacype17]

Funny shit..

[ServiceColas]

Refreshing Doug....as always.

[zU8KbeIU]

To hear what's going on in the woodshed, dial 251.

[CGECngjA]

If you are a vocalist who enjoys scatting on every song, please press "mute".

[CGECngjA]

If the changes sound too plain, press "#" followed by "11".

If you're just too good for the gig, press the "star" key.

If you're into your third drink on a twenty-minute break, press the "pound" key.

[ServiceColas]

If you forget the words you are singing just dial 7228.