[cafeviahe]

An elderly couple were attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[fgfblog]

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[fgfblog]

Ok Chaser started it...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old.
"I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I''m gonna say something with hell and you sat something with a$$."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks in the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, :Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your a$$ it won't be Cheerios!

[Hoijdxvh]

O.K. that one made laugh so hard I have the hiccups

I've got one.

Can you get pregnant from anal sex? If you can, will the child be considered a crack baby or will it grow up to be an *sshole?

[cafeviahe]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[cafeviahe]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, checking for herpies - thats why I am here!"

[cafeviahe]

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[fgfblog]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it is overloaded and only the wife and 9 children will fit on the bus.

So the husband and blind man decide to walk. After awhile the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him "why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a piece of rubber at the end of YOUR stick we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[fgfblog]

A young son asked, is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa the man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad replies, 'that happens in every country son.'

[Knillagrarp]

Frank, a guy who just died is on his way to h*ll. He is accompanied Joe who is someone who is there take him directly there. The guy is scared and asked Joe what happens in h*ll and if he is going to hate it.
Joe: Do you like drinking?
Frank: Yes
Joe: Then you're going to love Mondays...all night long. Do you like gambling?
Frank: Yes
Joe: Then you're going to love Tuesdays...all night long. Do you like watching girls mud wrestly?
Frank: Yes
Joe: Then you're going to love Wednesdays...all night long. Do you like having sex with women?
Frank: Yes!!!
Joe: Then you're going to love Thursday...all night long, my friiend. By the way, are you gay?
Frank: No.....
Joe: Well then,you're not going to like Fridays.

[Knillagrarp]

A man and woman are on their honeymoon. They are horseback riding and the horse that the woman is riding tries to buck her. She gets off the horse, gets in front of its face, puts one finger up and says "Okay, that's one." She climbs the horse again and it tries to buck her again. She gets off the horse again, gets in front of its face, puts two fingers up and says "Okay, that's two." She climbs the horse and it tries to buck her off a third time. She gets off the horse, pulls out a gun and shoots the horse. The husband is appalled and scared. He goes off on the wife..."what is wrong with you? can't you see the horse was scared? why would you do something like that? i can't believe you did that?" The wife turns around, gets in front of her new husband's face, puts one finger up to his face and says "Okay, that's one...."

[cafeviahe]

Hard times

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[cafeviahe]

Sneak in late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

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[Hoijdxvh]

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