[disappointment2]

Asalaamu Alaikum

I am turning to all my brothers and susters on this forum with the hope that Insha Allah I can find a helping hand here.

For the longest time I've really struggled with my temper. When I was younger my sister and I would physically fight too slapping and shouting. Now that I'm older we grew out of it and yet my temper seems worse. I would get upset over the smallest things and esp if it's something in the past that can't be changed I would bring it up and rub it in people's faces all the time. It's like I take this extra joy in knowing they can't change the past and can't change the event. One time my sister tapped my forehead with her empty chocolate bottle and I yelled at her for about twenty minutes asking over and over again 'why did u do it? Would u like it if I did the same etc'. basically I make mountains out of molehills

I can't even describe the sensation I get when in so angry. I can't think straight but at the same time I'm thinking and telling myself to stop, this is a sin, the Angels are recording my every word. Often I get severe waswas thinking I'm not saying any swear words so it doesn't matter etc which I know is not true. It's like I'm telling myself to stop but unable to exert the self control to do so. Today after a fight I was so angry I wanted to walk up to my sis and yell at her and a part of me told me not to and yet I did it anyway.

The worst thing is I just can't let go of things that happened. I hold grudges. I feel terrible afterwards. I instantly cool down and regret things. I know all the things I'm meant to do -sit, lie down etc. I know that! But at that moment I can't seem to Apply them!

Please help me. I've begun to hate myself so much. I read up on this is a sin and examples of times of great restraint but I can't seem to do it. People have started to draw away from me because of this too.

Please help me!!!! And please make Dua for me. I feel so ashamed.

Wa 'alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah dear sister,

First and foremost inshaa Allah, do sincere sincere tawbah. Ask Allah to give you hatred of this sin.

Then while you are doing that make a firm intention that you are now going to improve your condition inshaa Allah. Of course it might be hard at first, but slowly you will see that inshaa Allah it will get easier.

There might be a root cause as well. I think it's better that you explain your situations to a proper shaykh and follow his advice and uphold the precriptions he gives you. Try and always contempate and ponder whenever you are about to get angry. Think about Allah's love for His creation, ask yourself, who am I to get angry at another creation when I deserve the anger of the Creator?

I hope this helps inshaa Allah.

May Allah make it easy for you, ameen.

Wassalam.