[Derrida]

ok, ladies, we seem to have a number of comics on the forum now! so i say we get our minds off not being able to have anything GOOD to eat, and LAUGH! laughter increases endorphins, improves our immune systems and decreases stress. decreasing our stress levels make it easier to lose weight, right? (i had to find some way to segue into these jokes...) so let's share our favorite one-liners. i'll start.....

why don't blind people sky dive? .................................................. ..........................because it scares the dog.

[Smeaphvalialm]

[Glipseagrilia]

What does a kamikaze pilot tells to his students?.................................."Watch it very carefully, I'm going to do it only once"

[pavilionnotebook]

hey ladies, what happened to our jocularity??? now don't kill the messenger, because i LOVE dogs and have 3- but for those with a slightly more twisted sense of humor...... 1) where do you find a dog without any front or back legs? .............right where you left him.

2) what do you call a dog with no front or back legs? .............doesn't matter- he's not going to come to you anyway.

let the laughfest begin!

[cut sifted ephedra sinica]

What did the 0 say to the 8?.......................Nice belt.

[Bigroza]

as i'm so determined to not let this thread die......


how do you catch a unique rabbit? ..................unique up on it.

how do you catch a tame rabbit? ..................tame way, unique up on it.

[gopsbousperie]

Why does an elephant paint her toenails red??......................To hide in a cherry tree!

Have you ever seen and elephant in a cherry tree??................They hide pretty good, don't they!?!

[occallExtet]

margie REFUSES to let this thread die off...... perhaps a little culinary humor, given what we all have in common?


what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? ........anyone can roast beef.

[Cxcvvfbgtr]

boy you guys are a tough crowd! can i get a joke, please?

[agolutuaddiff]

I only know naughty jokes )

[occafeVes]

Well Margie...I have been trying to think of a good joke for days, but while I am a very funny person...I have NO one-liner jokes! I'm blank!

Bring on the naughty jokes! LOL

I'm gonna go google some good jokes right now! =) I'll be back!

[RjkVwPcV]

Ok...you asked for it!

How many animals are there in a pair of nylons? Anyone anyone?


15! 10 piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and a fish no one could ever find!

Please no offense to this joke ). I'm on the board of the local contractors assoc. And I hear so much on the golf course!!

[Slchtjgb]

Did you hear about the guy with two left feet that went to the shoe store and asked for flip-flips?

[XarokLasa]

Here is the best joke of all.

The FDA, our government, says this hCG does not work for weight loss, so no one here can lose weight!

Bob

[GreesyBeeva]

LMAO!!

[PypeMaypetasy]

HEY BOB IT IS PRETTY BAD WHEN OUR GOVERMENT WILL APPROVE THAT CRAP THAT GOES IN DIET SODA (POSION) AND NOT THE HCG DIET. PREVENTATIVE CARE IS NOT THERE CONCERN.

[QysnZWB4]

Yea, it is all about the money, the stock holders. Too bad our government won't put health first, money second or last.


Bob

[tousuarshatly]

ok, you guys. apparently iiiiiii have to be the one to keep some humor around here! so i've decided to post some weight-loss jokes and one-liners. here's one i like:

You have to stay in shape.
My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

[illignocearia]

i just found this- it's GREAT!

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

[Pashtet]

This is a fabulous idea!! Our office humor tends to be a tad crass, but here's one:



AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'..

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drinkers,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.