[CaseyFronczek]

I don't usually post others work, but I thought this was funny, and maybe we could lighten this up a bit. Besides, there's some truth in it....


Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. [from peter lamborn.com]

[XinordiX]

Partisan lies.

[Sheefeadalfuh]

That's a funny essay, especially on a dreary Friday morning.


"Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter."

I didn't know that so many nomads were gay, since everybody knows that gays "usually congregate towards the shore, and tips of peninsulas are especially attractive to them."

Geez, if the liberals were living "off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing", then what explains Newt Gingrich's hair helmet? Then again, Newt may not be conservative enough anymore.


So if conservatives drink domestic beer, and liberals wine, it's reassuring to know that George Washington, Ben Franklin and Ernest Hemingway must have been liberals.

"My manner of living is plain, a glass of wine and a bit of mutton are always ready, and such as will be content to partake of that are always welcome."
George Washington

"Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance." Benjamin Franklin


"Wine is the most civilized thing in the world." Ernest Hemingway

I'm surprised that the silverplated wine cooler is a big seller at the Ronald Reagan Library. Then again, maybe Ron was a bit of a metrosexual; he liked his beef stew made with red wine. Not to mention Nancy's onion wine soup. So confusing.

[ligeplodore]

Thread moved to proper forum...

[slimsex]

This one looks over-ripe for some serious 'debunking'. There is so much bullshit there that it is funny. Particularly once some of it is debunked, methinks one can turn several of the jibes back negatively upon the other party. That's always the problem with this totally 'over the top' partisan shit - once you analyse it rationally and consult the facts on the matter, it usually backfires...

For example, Republicans are the party of 'elitism', not the Democrats. The Democrats just tend to attract more elitists to support them. The premise of 'elitism' as a public policy, that is pure conservativism.

And the 'liberties' taken with actual historical facts are laughable. One should think one could attack/satirise one's political opponents honestly without making crap up or lying about things.

And of course, it is so US-centric as to be silly. Elephants don't symbolise 'conservativism' to anybody outside of US Republicans.

[TaliaJack]

I don't usually post others work, but I thought this was funny, and maybe we could lighten this up a bit. Besides, there's some truth in it....

I thought it was hilarious.

But then my hair isn't on too tight.

[Lenny Hensley]

I don't usually post others work, but I thought this was funny, and maybe we could lighten this up a bit. Besides, there's some truth in it....

Sure, there's some truth in there somewhere. At least this history lesson didn't claim that the earth is only 5 or 6,000 years old. But yeah, I like the "liberals are bunch of sissyboys" type of humor. Broad, sweeping generalizations are so very original.

[DioraMoostebeers]

As someone who enjoys humor, even from a non-partisan view point, this article isn't that funny. No tact, no irony, no unpredictability, no underlying message, no nothing. The "jokes" in it are so easy to understand, completely unoriginal and so predictable that it seems to be geared toward 8 year old level humor. I mean, I guess you can't really be that funny if your joke relies on the premise of "Say conservatives do manly things, then say how liberals do wussy things." Hardy har har!

I mean, making fun of liberals is incredibly easy, yet this piece failed somehow. It makes the writer of the article appear to have the wit of a toaster....

Just my opinion...

[rootoronpunty]

As an example of something that I find a bit more humorous than the opening post, here are some liberal jokes...

If a tree fell in the forest, and a conservative wasn't around, would it still kill the liberal chained to it? Q: How did Bill and Hilary meet in HS?

A: They were dating the same girl. Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer -A puppy stops whining after it grows up. Q:How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. Liberals wouldn’t actually change the light bulb, but they would show compassion for it by talking a lot about how terrible it is in the dark and more funding is needed to improve dim, 60 watt bulbs up to bright and productive 100 watt bulbs.

[wmzeto]

I'm gonna have to agree with Speakeasy over all.

The main difference between a conservative and a liberal is that a liberal can laugh at itself, as long as the joke is funny. (generalization, har har, don't jump down my throat).

Some questions about the essay:

1) God didn't invent Beer along with the Garden of Eden? I thought that place was PERFECT.

2) Imported beers. That means the REAL beer from Germany right?

3) The liberals evolved into women? I guess I should subdivide this question.
a) Where did conservative women come from?
b) I thought evolution was a vast liberal conspiracy
c) How did mankind pro-create before these women came into being?

4) I understand why the elephant came into being. Where did the donkey come from?

IN FACT, the only grain of truth that I found in it was...

5) Liberals invented democracy.